We woke up one morning with my husband, feeling excited without any particular reason except that we were thankful to God for giving us another day. After the morning devotion, we engaged in a heartwarming conversation. We were chatting and laughing, and then I asked him a question about something we earlier discussed. The way he answered me resulted in a dispute between us. My husband said something that I didn’t believe was true about me. Guess what, within a twinkling of an eye the heartwarming conversation turned cold. Some minutes of silence set in, and the excitement was gone.
While I was nursing my feelings, I heard a voice in my mind saying, what if what he said about you is true, and you don’t know? I paused for some seconds, and my mind reflected back to a psychological model called the Johari window. This model came to my notice in 2006 when I was undergoing a diploma program in theology by extension. It talks about what we know and believe is true about ourselves may not agree with what others know and say about us.
I began to struggle within myself on the reality of what my husband said about me, and what I believed about myself. It was obvious that the Holy Spirit was speaking to me. After a fierce struggle, I took a deliberate step and asked Jesus to have his way in me. Within a short moment, the negative feelings were over, and I reconnected with my husband.
The Johari Window Model
This is a psychological tool created by two psychologists (Joseph Luft and Harrigton Ingham) for understanding and training in:
- Self-awareness
- Personal development
- Improving communications
- Interpersonal relationships
- Group dynamics
- Team development, and
- Intergroup relationships.
The Basic
I may not draw the model, but I will talk about the basic. It consists of four different areas of our lives. There is:
- The Public area.
This is that area of our life that we are happy to share with others and discuss openly. It represents the view we have of ourselves, and what others also see and say about us.
- The Private area.
This is that area of our life that is kept secret by us; no one knows except us or those we choose to share with. We hide it away from others possibly because it embarrasses us or is too shameful or fearful.
- The Blind area.
This is the area of our life that we are ignorant of, but others know. We may have a different view about ourselves whereas what others see is completely different. That is why sometimes our potentials are discovered by others.
- The undiscovered area.
The fourth area is one which neither we nor others know, except God who searches the heart and examines the mind.
A lesson from the Model
The reason of bringing up this model is not to bug you with psychological terms, but the third area in the model made a lot of sense in my situation, and I think it may make sense to you as well. Often times we feel misunderstood when we display certain attitudes and others opposed us; especially those we share our lives with. Hardly do we agree that we may be on the wrong side. Most times we feel justified, and we try to resist any contrary opinion about such attitudes. While we may have an opinion about ourselves, it does not imply that it is the exact representation of who we are.
The things that cause disputes in our marriage are mostly trivial issues; but when we fail to handle them well, they magnify and become serious issues. The way and manner we handle those issues are very important because it can either help in building or destroying our marriage relationships. One thing I believe would help greatly in building our relationships is trying to know who we are. It is not enough to settle with what we think, and believe about ourselves, but we must be willing to listen objectively to what others are saying about us; especially our spouses.
Perhaps as you are reading this post you may be having some unresolved issues with your spouse. Maybe there is an attitude your spouse always display and you are not happy with, yet he feels justified. Or it may be the opposite; whatever may be the case, think about the third area in the model. It makes it easier when you understand that the attitudes displayed by your spouse are not deliberate; that the action is as a result of the ignorance of his person in that area. So instead of challenging him, you would try to help him understand that he has a weakness in that area.
On the other hand, there may be an attitude your spouse is always complaining of, about you. When you understand that you don’t know everything about yourself, you would not be quick to get angry. You would rather reason objectively, and try to work on that area of your life.
The reason why we do find it difficult to resolve our disputes is that we allow negative feelings to linger. But by the time we understand ourselves, it makes it easier to overcome such feelings timely. Once we are able to manage our feelings, resolving a dispute becomes easy.
I pray that you would find this post helpful.
God bless you.
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